The desert

Dear Friend
I recently rediscovered this piece of writing that I had penned years ago during an unexpected desert season. As I read, it crossed my mind that some of you may now find yourselves in a similar place - it’s hard and challenging and painful.

If that’s you, be encouraged. God knows you. He sees you. He loves you, even when it feels like He has abandoned you.

Every blessing,
Lucinda

I feel like I am in a desert. I feel as though I have been here for a long time. I liken this season to finding myself in a wilderness and I name it such because at present the landscape of my life looks desolate. 

I do the daily things that I need to do for my family and for my home, but right now, these things don't bring me much life. Because of how I’m feeling, the cleaning, shopping, washing, cooking just have to be done. Doing these, does not cause me to cry out, 'Yes, for this I was born, for this I have been given life’.

I believe God has drawn me into this wilderness - He told me that this was coming. But, all the same, it is the hardest experience to walk through. I think I already understand that I have two choices in how I might respond to this time. I can either embrace it and surrender myself to it, not knowing how it will pan out, or I can struggle with it and kick against it in my determination to plough my own furrow.

I have decided to go for the former, but nonetheless, I also find myself struggling.

I want to believe that this is a time of refinement and honing. My Heavenly Father has not sidelined me, overlooked or forgotten me.  He has not abandoned me or given up on me. It is NOT that He doesn't know what to do with me. 

It is painful to have the innermost 'you' exposed, but in the desert there is nowhere to hide. I have been stripped of my identity. When we arrived, I did not know anyone here, so I don't have a role, a ministry, a name, a reputation, any value. I do not know this city - I have no connections, no friends, no comforting places to go to, no church family. I wear no label to say who I am. All this exposes the real me.

There are two questions that I think God is asking me. 'Am I enough?' is the first one. 'Do you trust me?' is the second one. I cannot answer with a resounding 'YES' to either of these, yet.

Well, I could, but it would not be an honest reply, and so the process would only take longer.

Suppose nothing changes, that my dreams are never fulfilled, my gifts are not used and my days continue on as they are until my time is up? Am I ok with that? Not yet, no. But the journey of really getting to know the Father and allowing myself to be known by Him, is beginning to fill my horizon. 

Truly trusting God as my good Father is also a process - some days are easier than others. As Steve gains favour and impacts more and more people with the vision that he carries for a new work, in my immaturity and in my desire 'to be someone', I begin to kick.

On those days, my trust levels are fairly low. I have to choose to trust Him. Otherwise, I'm asking myself to yield to one I do not trust. How can I surrender myself to this inhospitable place if I don't trust the very One who I believe brought me here, intentionally? It would be better to go back to Egypt.

What I do know is that our Father God wants us. He wants a people for Himself. That is all He has ever wanted. He is not bothered about what we do for Him. He just wants our hearts. Intimacy. And sometimes He needs to take us to a place of stripping in order to get our attention.

Abraham? Moses? Joseph? David? Jesus? All led into the desert, literal or metaphorical, before the fulfilment of their destinies. I have a destiny in God. I believe that. He has created us all to be fulfilled, to live abundantly, to have purpose, and one day that will be my testimony, but until that day comes, I have a choice.

I have just received a delivery, and on the package is written The art of knowing when to wait.

Need I say more?